Hmmmm.... American Express send me a Platinum card in the mail today. I didn't ask them for it. I've had their Gold card since, like forever. And I have been satisfied with it. So I was a bit taken back when this fancy silverish package arrived at my box and an Amex Platinum card fell out.
Or so I thought.
A closer look reveals that the name embossed on it is "Your Name Here". It turns out that the whole thing was only an invite to apply for their Platinum card. They had stuck a fancy brochure in the package that reminds me of those glossy brochures that Mercedes-Benz and BMW print up for their luxury cars.
I was at lunch, so I decided what the hell. I will read their marketing fluff. Lots of cool photos and text kissing my ass telling me what a powerful, decisive, refined, and special person I am. I deserve this card because I stand head and shoulders above the suffering masses.
Ignoring the ass kissing, they are a bit short on details. I could not find exactly what I get, or what makes this so special, or what it costs. They elude to vague benefits such as...
Last minute reservations to top restaurants. Huh? This in Ron they are talking to. I don't even like going to restaurants that make you wear shoes! I also refuse to go to restaurants that require reservations or "connections". If they don't have enough seats to meet public demand, then I will take my business elsewhere.
Exclusive Offers For Some Of The Most Unforgettable Places To Stay On Earth. Notice they don't say "pleasant places". How could I forget a night in the slammer in San Francisco? Or sleeping on the Denver Airport floor during a blizzard?
A service dedicated to smoothing your path and satisfying your every wish. What the hell does that mean? Can I call them up and order a hooker and hitman?
Fly first or business class with a companion and get substantial savings. What? Buy two first class tickets? You know what the dirty little secret about flying first class is? I'll tell you. You pay four times as much, but YOU STILL GET THERE AT THE SAME TIME AS EVERYONE ELSE DOES! How about if I just keep that extra money in my pocket, eh?
Travel Service: So how is this better than the travel agent down the street?
Enjoy upgrades and exclusive benefits at over 800 hotels world wide. Only 800? That really isn't a lot of hotels when you consider how many cities there are in the world. So... are they saying that Motel Six will give me free roll-away for a night? Whoo Hooo!
Buried on the back, I found the price for all of this. $900!!!! Yes, $900 to carry a credit card in your wallet. Holy shit! Are they out of their friggen minds?
But this is not all a loss. I am going to put this fake Amex card into my mugger's wallet along with the fake drivers license and other phoney ID. My muggers wallet is a cheap throw-away wallet that I keep on me when I am walking through dodgy areas of cities. If I get mugged, I simply toss them the fake wallet. By the time they figure out it is worthless, I am gone.
Note: You have to put a little real cash in the fake wallet. That will distract them long enough to not notice anything odd before you get away.
2 comments:
I can understand you. I hate too when someone are trying to sell me a bill of goods. No earthly reason, isn't it?
I know many people who prefer credit cards from Amercin Express. And they are rather satisfied with these plastics. However, I also don't like these methods of selling...
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